Thought 8.

I'm totally procrastinating the fuck out of what I have to do. A 3,000 word essay for Friday  literally done 165 words of it. o.O

I was thinking I stay up all night tonight, doing a all nighter, hopefully completing it, going to college for 10 finish at 12:15 then I think maybe have another 8 hour nap...I am seriously considering this, as I cant wait til this college week is over. WHYYYYY dont I do things before, INSTEAAAAAAAD of leaving them til last minute.

On another note, I had fun last night :) Its always nice to be with people who can make you happy.

And I soooo cant wait til this Friday  we've made vodka jelly babies and we are going to hand them out to people, its like a shot of vodka but it tastes like jelly babies, if you get meh?!?! (I'm going to a house partyy, totally going to just forget life wake up the next morning and deal with it then, hopefully I wont do things that I wake up the next day to and be like whaaat theeeee fuck).

Also had a dream last night that there was a woodlouse climbing up the stairs, proper trying its best to reach to the top, but it couldn't because it was a woodlouse. - one of my exciting dreams ever!!!

Anyways, I've procrastinated enough for all of 9 minutes, which was enough time for me to write this blog, check Facebook messages, Twitter, YouTube and my newly Tumblr.

c'est la vie :)

Thought 7.

Awww, today has been so shitty. I just kinda feel like drained and sad. But I dont even know why, I feel like I want to kinda just run for so long, and push lots of things whilst running. Plus a massive spider decided to attack me whilst I was brushing my teeth. Which reminds me I was walking to work, and I saw a spider flying!!! I was like what the fuck is this world coming tooo!!!!

But yeaaaah, College is soo stressful, I just dont want to go any more  the only thing I enjoy is Media, and the odd crime and deviance lesson. Its so hard finding motivation for something you just dont want to do any more  I wish I could go back to 16 year old Emma  and be like do not do A levels!! And its not even the people at college any more that I want to go for, there is like a group of us, and I love being there friends. But like I guess in ways college just reminds me to much of last year, and It doesn't help that I see everyone all the time. Crazy how things change.

Just feeeel likeeee a massive pile of mess, feel like crying, but im not going to, because its not like anything has went wrong today, at all, in fact its just been a normal day, but I dont think its a good thing to keep everything bottled. And I know I'm not any more as I have wrote this, but my blog is kinda turned into a little diary, which its strange how its easier to type than write. ahhh, I'm just talking random bullshizz. Maybe I'm just realising a few things, and its sucky. Maybe Im just moaning. I'm so confused, or emotional. I would love to know :) I think I'm just being a woman!

I hate moaning, I feel really bad, so I apologise for anyone reading this :)

I think today has just been one of those days.

SideNote: met someone random on the bus today, we ended up talking about how people should sit on windowsills of the bus, as it will create more room, for like ages, talking about different dimensions and stuff. Soo weird and crazy :') Dont even know his name haha. Hopefully Ill see him again :)

Thought 6.

Cant believe I haven't blogged in a while, when all I think about is ooo, that will be good to write about in my blog. Most of the stuff I think about though is a tad bit weird.
 

I guess in some ways I think that I am a bit to weird, like I worry that If I say things It will be stupid and people will just be like daaa fuhhh! But I cant help but think it, I worry that I will be to weird for anyone o.O 

I think I just may be alone with my few proper weird friends, and then I can create loads of Jelly and eat it all, have you ever had jelly? especially red. Nomminess :)

However I guess the point in this blog was to get my thoughts out about my next year. There is this thing that you can do, to volunteer and its to do with Human Rights in Bolivia, and you get to work with different people there, and help teach them things, its mainly helping woman from abusive relationships. And giving them hope :) I would love to do it. I would have to pay its for like 3 months to 6 and only like £1,000 which I could afford to be honest. If I saved loads over the holidays. 

I really want to do it, it will be a experience. But Its doing it alone, I wont know anyone. Plus I will be leaving home for I dont know how long. I'm scared that things will be different  well of course I know it will be. But I dont really like change that much so I dont know what to do, I'm so confused. I haven't even told anyone about this, but I want to get away from everything for a bit, and just have a break from everything, feelings and all that shizz.

I just dont knowww :) 

Whatever I do, I hope its the right choice :) 

Thought 5.

Well this has been such a crazy week!! even though its only been like 2 days into the week, as it is only tuesday o.O I have emotions, lots of them. Ive also been living in my mind, which is kinda bad in ways. I need to do more things, that take my mind off shizz. Although as I'm writing this, I feel kinda happy :)

ANYWAYS.

My buses were cancelled last night, due to the snow, Its so bad in Consett man like I reckon if I tried I could build a massive snowman with all the snow and send it off to the Antarctic so all the polar bears can finally survive or Ill just build a snowman and call it Oasis, because that's my favourite drink ever.

So yeah, I couldn't get home so I stayed at my friends house, there was a group of us. We decided to have a group tarot reading :) I love this stuff. I've had readings before, the first two that I had with my friend were kinda so bad, you could see in ways that I didn't know what I was wanting to do in life and I wasn't really happy. However I had such a good reading last night.

I cant really remember what cards I got, but I remember meanings. Present expectation I think was that I like to live care free, I do things in the now and dont really think of what can happen in the future, I focus more on wanting others to be happy, and I love smiling and laughing, and that Im a magnet for people, as when I met them they just instantly want to be in my company...(I feel so big headed typing this out, sorryyyy)
Other things I got told was that, my success and failures are in the past, they come in bunches that I always have a failure but then there will be a success. I want to travel more, and see more of the world.

There was one bit though which got me proper thinking. She said that there is something in my life that I need to give up on, as much as it will hurt, I have to sacrifice it as better things will come from it. And that even though at the time, when it ends there may be no hope it will be worth it, as what is going on now will have worse consequences.

NOW THAT, scared me a little. But Im taking this as being a human person thing, and I kinda might know who its about. But MEH.

So yeah, weirddd. I am a one for long blogs like!! I'm so sorry if this bored you a little :)

Also I know this a very stereotypical thing to say, but I really do love my friends :)

Thought 4.

Haven't posted a blog thing in a while, well its because I was busy!! Busy doing nothing, barring spending wonderful hours at work :)  However both days were enjoyable, but so tiring. Also I didn't dream last night, which is so weird for me!!! maybe I dont dream when I'm tired...who knows o.o Only me I guess, but I dont. 

Well I said the other day that I was going to write about trust, I guess this is the best opportunity to do it :) 

It so hard for me to trust people, I'm not playing the whole cry me a river game. I know most likely everyone finds it hard to trust people, that's why we just give everyone chances. And then you build up a little wall at first & if they're great then you are so happy that you can finally say you trust them. But even one little thing can ruin it, and when it does it feels like you cant trust them the same, then it sucks because you thought you could. You look back at the thing they done, and feel shit.

I think in ways this is just because in the past I've been let down, so I'm always like every time something is planned or is going to happen I always worry that its not going to happen, they will bail or it will just happen again. However now a days, I'm starting to not feel like this at all. I think its all down to having really good people in my life at the moment :) 

Why all of a sudden is my blog turning into a little diary! 

I feel so agitated tonight too o.O 

There is one thing happening in my life, which is making me all like confused and shit but I kinda dont want to not have it, if that makes any sense. All though sooon things may change. *scary cryptic shizz!!* 

Little thought 3 and a half :)

You know that feeling you get when you see someone you once had a thing for either in person or you just scroll along their social networking sites come across maybe a photo with another girl/boy which you assume is there new interest, and it kinda makes you feel like shit. Which proves that in a way you still have a feelings no matter how hard you claim you dont.

Yeaah well something similar just happened to me, HOWEVER, I didn't feel like shit. I didn't have that feeling any more, I dont know whether its because I have given up, accepted it or just stopped caring.

I have no idea, but for me its a good thing, means in a way I can move on :) *hopefully*

Or maybe I am totally lying to myself o.O

Confused/Complicated Emma times.

Thought 3.

They say when you dream its meant to mean something, like if you dream about your teeth falling out apparently its meant to mean that you have anxieties about your appearance.

BUT what does it mean if you dream about wearing a Victorian dress and dragging people out of the river because there was a man floating and chasing after you with a silver sword and all you had to defend yourself with was a washing line pole, which didn't work, then all of a sudden you had no bones, and woke up with the words 'You will grow your bones back one day' floating in your mind... yeaaaah I totally didn't dream of that last night. o.O

I usually dream about real life situations, sometimes its fun then you get the ones where you dream about things that you want to happen, then wake up incredibly gutted, those dreams suck.

Apparently you're meant to dream about what happened in your day too.

Dreams are so interesting though, I love hearing peoples dreams, and its oddly cool when people dream about you too. Like for example what inspired me to write this, was that my friend told me he dreamt was that I was standing there with my finger to my lips saying shhh over and over again.

I dont know where I was going with this blog to be honest, I guess its just a good part of my life, I even keep a dream diary and everything!!

Any ways, I should stop procrastinating, exam tomorrow - I am so bad at them, cant wait til tomorrow is over and done with :)

Thought 2.

I kinda like having this, for some odd reason I was thinking about it quite a bit today, what to write how to write, how to explain stuff, I actually got excited. Yeaaaah, I'm kinda sad sometimes :) There was two things that I couldn't get off my mind I guess, trust and friends. Two totally different topics, however can be linked, but not in the way I intend.

You know what I find crazy? the fact that you can go from being so close to someone to feel yourself drifting away, but no one stops it because they dont want to acknowledge the fact that its happening. And if you are lucky enough to find someone even if they are a friend doesn't have to be a interest, then it makes you feel good when they do in fact do everything to stop it, but it is a two way process. 

When people you become close too, start to lose out on the values that you wanted them for, you start to look for other people to take their place. I use to be close to someone last year, At the time I had fell out with my best friend, but gained a amazing one by doing this. Sometimes things like this happen so things fall together. He was there for me, and we were pretty close, one thing Ill always remember is the fact that he could just make me laugh at everything. He was like the boy version of me, but we argued so much, just like brother and sisters. There was one time, were we argued and just walked together in silence for ages, both stubborn, then just burst out laughing and it was normal again, I liked that. But then things got weird, and we just drifted apart. I see him occasionally in college, but its just like the typical 'hello' Its really sad I think, to be so close to someone and then not be. But at the same time, I think that if this hadn't of happened, then I wouldn't of went to someone else to fill up the little best friend gap. He will always be my favourite person that I have ever met inside of college though.

We all have different people in our lives, for different reasons of what we need. I think in ways you can survive alone many people have, but its sooo nice to meet different people, and when you find nice friends they bring out the best in you and you feel good.

Just remember not to always live inside your head :) 

Totally not writing about trust either :) 

Thought 1.

Hello guys, even though there is no chance that the same people that read this are the ones who read my ones before, I guess you wont ever know because I will never tell you my old name. However some could recognise my writing style, even if I have one. I think I've rambled enough, and I think this concludes my opening hello paragraph :) 

Anyways, I just thought I would start again, have little blogs through out 2013, then can look back on this like I have my other one and see how much I have changed!! My names Emma, I never told you that in my last ones, so maybe I am coming out! coming out of many things!! naaah, Im not really :) So Ive being having some really weird and crazy thoughts about everything lately, I think its just because Im so stressed out for my exams though.

One thing I dont get is the education system. I understand that we need it to learn and to pass on, and it helps children with their secondary socialisation (people who dont know what that is, google it!) . Dont get me wrong, primary school is the best thing ever, when I look back at it I always and get a happy little feeling. But its when you start growing up and realising that you need to actually learn something and things are serious. Secondary school is okay, that's where you deal most with all the bullshit off people, where I guess the socially acceptable people decide where you belong. Or you do what I done and just have your own little group of nerds. Another thing, I dont think you should worry about making friends then, like at all. College is actually where its all at. I've became more of myself there, and work, working at where I am now, introduced me to all these different people, and I dont think some of them realise the effect that they have had. However that's a different blog I think :) Education...Yeah, There is so much pressure now to have to succeed in this, that everyone has just without knowing created a system and if you dont fit or agree with the system  then you automatically feel like you're in the wrong, and you're not doing what is right. This being this, I think has created many people especially at this age to worry and most likely become sad and confused about what to do. I think If I keep going I could write for so long, different peoples views, and I understand that everyone is different. I just dont like the pressure that teachers and others put on you to succeed in education, fair enough it gives you better prospects, but if you fail, it shouldn't feel like its going to be the end of the world, so much so that if you fail that you dont even want to be in the world. 

If anyone has made it to the end of what I have read, and it makes no sense what so ever, then I am sorry, but that is what my mind is like! If it made a little sense, and you can relate, then yey! of no one could be bothered to get down to here, then you all suck ^_^

 Maybe I will write more, maybe I wont. o.O