Thought 17.

Aww, Im so glad Im one of those people who like to keep memories of days/people or things.

If I have a really good day, and I want to remember everything from it, I usually write it on microsoft word or something so I can save it, I know its probably not the best option but oh well :)

Since Im using my old laptop again ive been looking through all my documents/pictures from last year's through the summer holidays and upto when my laptop broke. Random little gig days, getting to meet new people, and the people I had in my life then :) :) first time out in consett/town. Im glad I do this, its nice to sometimes look back.

Kinda makes me excited for the holidays this year with the people I have in my life right now :)

Thought 16

I had this proper random thought last night whilst I was watching tv, and I dont even know why I thought of it at the time because it was weird. But I just cant stop imagining if it was this way, or if people have thought it too. So I thought I might aswell blog a little about it :)

I dont even know how to start it off, I feel so awkward, its crazy that a blog is making me feel awkward. o.O

Hmm, imagine if we all started off without looking what we look like, just like plain janes/johns. And since everyone is always like 'its about personalties' and all that shizzz. If we all just kinda look the same and then we get to know each other for who we are then it would be so much easier for who everyone wants to be/want to be with. You cant change, but your personality makes your more prettier. And the whole sexual attraction thing, you can find it by finding the personality that you want most. Bearing in mind that you wont know any difference because we were born this way.

Emma random thought of the two days.

I also wanted to talk about expectations, but Ill save that for another day leeek. Im scared my computer will shout at me and then blow up in my face, because its decided to play a game with me. But I wont let in win, because its a Computer and Im human. And me and Will Smith are best friends :)

Thought 15

Hmmm what to write in this blog.
My names not Emma it's actually santino and I'm Spanish and I'm a massive slug. I'm kidding, I don't even know why I said that its just one of those little thoughts of craziness.
I love chicken and cheese leek. Imagine a life without chicken or cheese. The food would be so shit I think I'd just eat dog food or something.
I've came to realise that my music taste is actually awful like what was I thinking!? I've recently been introduced to some good music though they're called The Pigeon Detectives and they are actually so good unlike any of the crap I usually listen to.
Also I say i like films but really I hate them, like life of pi for example, it's actually reeeeeaaaally shit, it's more of a spectacle than a film. I said I didn't like Argo when I went to see it and annoyed people by playing on my phone instead, it's actually a really good film and everyone should watch it.
I actually can't wait for Friday! Ill be off college for Easter and ill be going out with my best pal pal pal pals cos I'm a top McWorker and all that shizz!
I'm going to finish this blog with a quote again cos YOLO :)
"You miss 100% of chances you don't take"

Thought 14

I actually have no idea what to write about, but I want to write something just because of memories and all that kinda shizz. Well I know what to write about, but I cant even write about it because there will be no point writing about it, and I cant even write about it anyways because no one will probably actually care what I write about.

Is it just me thinking recently or do people ever wonder how many people notice you? but you don't notice them..because you are too busy noticing someone that will never notice you? Such a weird mind mine is.

But all I really want to do is go to a petrol station and smell some petrol! :')

This blog has been about nothing, Its just a messed up little blogg, just kinda like lifee atm :)

“It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.”
― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

Thought 13

I know people think that some horroscopes are a load of rubbish and I kinda do believe it but Im intrested in some of the things that they say. Plus the ones that Ive got scarily fit the situation Im in, crazy or what. Like look, yesterdays one for me was:

You are in a period of questioning Pisces, and this is going to involve directly with your romantic affairs. Today is a day where you are going to question past decisions and choices you made when it comes to romance, and you will find yourself wondering if someone in your present life on an everyday basis is really worth all of the trouble they are causing. You can easily do a little pruning today when it comes to slackers in your social or romantic life, and you will find that letting go will bring you more satisfaction than these romantic suitors initially promise. Now is the time for you to return to that situation from your past that gave you the most romantic and intrinsic satisfaction at every level. You know where you can find your fresh air today, and the person who has it to offer will be more than happy to oblige in the company of your air today.

and todays was one of the reasons why I decided to write this, as it also does scairly fit me again:

You are going through a rather intense period when it comes to love, Pisces, so today may not be a bad day to just take a break. Whether you are single or attached, this situation that is so intense for you does not seem to be going away any time soon, so taking a break will actually do you both some good. You need and desire cooperative and harmonious relationships, and you know that this is possible with this one person, but the emotions surrounding this situation are too intense on both sides. You can just relax today and be social and friendly and you won't make too many waves with romance today. Tomorrow however, you can use this intense emotional energy to find a situation that works best for all parties, as the other party is certainly considering the same thing.


Maybe tonight when Im out in Consett I should just take a break from everything and have fun, maybe I can have a 18th party thing without hearing/seeing things I dont want too :) either way Im getting off my face.

Thought 12.

Fiveee days left til I turn 18 :) fair to say I'm excited and I feel like a little girl excited for Christmas or something! Hopefully my cold/illness will be gone by then, its seems to have got worse today, but I cant complain because there are people out there who have there legs chopped off and put on other peoples legs, imagine that though, your leg wouldn't even work, it would just be there o.O 

This week has been pretty fun :) went by so quick, but I enjoyed the end of it more :) 

Isn't life just weird and crazy, then when you find people who actually can make you happy and make life easier for you, I dont think anyone should give up on them having them in there life :) I dont think you should stay sad about something for long, if you cant change it - dont bother trying to work out different things in your mind. Just watch some random Crabstickz videos and then be happy again :) alsoo I found having chicken and cheese is a massive comforter aswell! 

Im happy that im starting to feel more like me again, I guess I'm happy that I'm happy Emma again :) I really needed this week ^_^ 

Plus this time next week I will most likely be 18, off my face, and talking to some random person who I will most likely just laugh at there dancing :) 

Also how great is this song? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjncyiuwwXQ

Thought 11.

I dont really know what to write about, but I'm writing this anyways with something in mind, so I actually do know what I'm going to write about but I'm just saying all of this as a way to kinda make it seem like I have wrote something and just to start me off....yeaaaahhhh. o.O

Is it weird to just enjoy being alone for a little bit? Like you've been surrounding and talking to people loads and just to go home and not talk or see anyone and just read or even watch films or browse YouTube. I enjoy it, I enjoy being with my own thoughts, makes you think things through a little. Maybe I'm alone in this I dont know. Now I'm not saying that I always want to be alone, because where would the fun be in that? plus I love peoples company and finding out there personalities. I dont even know if I'm making sense or not. It does to me I guess :)

Im soooooo procrastinating my media again, even though I enjoy doing it....I dont even know myself sometimes :')

Side note: Theres someone who has came back into my life recently, we use to be really close. Have midnight walks in Consett park and everything, I'm sure one time he said he wasn't even scared of anything yet when a bus pulled up be side him he actually jumped out of his skin. Actually so funny. He is a pretty awesome friend like. I guess I'm writing about him because he said something to me yesterday which oddly inspired me :) I guess I love inspiring people, and I'm drawn to people like that :) And he gives the best hugs ever ^_^

Thought 10 - Birmingham.

Just thought I would tell everyone about my trip to Birmingham this weekend to see Asking Alexandria.

So the start of the weekend was fun stayed over my friend kyles flat (who I went to Birmingham with) , his house mates and I, all made pancakes and watched Spirited away. We decided to stay up til our bus was due, bearing in mind that it was at 5am. However I didn't last so I slept from like 1ish til like 3. Worst mistake ever to do in your life. When I woke up I was sooo tired, and felt like shit. Actually couldn't wait to sleep on the bus. We walked into Town, and got on the bus. It was a pretty decent bus to be honest. We just kinda slept the whole bus journey. I ended up having another dream of me flying holding on to a goldfish with chicken tongs from work o.O 

Having arrived at Birmingham, just waking up at the right time to realise we were here. Walked to the Hotel using Kyles iPhone for maps and shizz, turning up just to be turned away as they wouldnt let us check in yet!! so we walked around in a place we knew nothing about. Finally as 12 came around we went back in the hotel, the room was pretty decent like, beds were comfy and everything :) So we just chilled for a little then gun shots were going off!!!! dun dun dunnnn. Nahhh they were actually balloons just popping in the sky :') we needed to go get some food, so we literally walked around for ages looking for cheap places to eat, found good old Mcdonalds haha. 

So we got back to the hotel room, and we were both feeling just really poopy. So we killed time til the gig, by sleeping and I watched a film. We got up and ready in time for the gig. Arrived there to be standing outside in the cold for what seemed like ages in the most shit weather ever!!! snow! and I was wearing converse, I was just so cold :( Now inside the gig, after warming up was a pretty amazing atmosphere has to be one of the best gigs I would have been too. If it wasn't for the fact that I nearly broke my toe and someone stole my phone!!! Kyles phone had also gone missing too, so we had no maps to get to places or anything...god knows how we done it.

Ahhhh, it was such a crazy weekend man. And on the way back we were on a shit megabus and I kept on getting dripped on from the stupid window!!!

It was sooo bad that it was just too funny.

My friend Cole actually asked me today after telling him all of this if it was worth it, I replied...

#WasntEvenWorthIt 

Thought 9.

I think this is going to be a confession post, I should maybe of put confession 1 in the title, I dont knoww, maybe I will later on after this is published. I thought I could do this, I really thought I could. But how can someone make you happy, but fuck with your mind at the same time?

I just dont want to be confused anymore :( I thought it would be okay, just keep everything bottled in dont tell anyone then maybe it could all disappear, but it reaaaally cant. It just doesn't work like this. I know deep inside that in the long run what I have to do will be so much better for me then staying the way it is. It will just hurt even more than it does now, and I dont want to feel like something is wrong with me anymore.

I have no idea what's going to happen in my life, and I hate that im 17 and I have to think about these things already.

I wish things could have worked out differently, I really do.

aww man, Im so fucked up, I dont even know anymore. And I even feel bad for writing this, because I know there is worse things that people can go through, I keep trying to be strong and stuffs, but I cant. I shouldnt even publish this tbh, and its stupid to think that the blog can actually be there for me.

I really want to be with my friends so much right now.  AHHHHH.

Thought 8.

I'm totally procrastinating the fuck out of what I have to do. A 3,000 word essay for Friday  literally done 165 words of it. o.O

I was thinking I stay up all night tonight, doing a all nighter, hopefully completing it, going to college for 10 finish at 12:15 then I think maybe have another 8 hour nap...I am seriously considering this, as I cant wait til this college week is over. WHYYYYY dont I do things before, INSTEAAAAAAAD of leaving them til last minute.

On another note, I had fun last night :) Its always nice to be with people who can make you happy.

And I soooo cant wait til this Friday  we've made vodka jelly babies and we are going to hand them out to people, its like a shot of vodka but it tastes like jelly babies, if you get meh?!?! (I'm going to a house partyy, totally going to just forget life wake up the next morning and deal with it then, hopefully I wont do things that I wake up the next day to and be like whaaat theeeee fuck).

Also had a dream last night that there was a woodlouse climbing up the stairs, proper trying its best to reach to the top, but it couldn't because it was a woodlouse. - one of my exciting dreams ever!!!

Anyways, I've procrastinated enough for all of 9 minutes, which was enough time for me to write this blog, check Facebook messages, Twitter, YouTube and my newly Tumblr.

c'est la vie :)

Thought 7.

Awww, today has been so shitty. I just kinda feel like drained and sad. But I dont even know why, I feel like I want to kinda just run for so long, and push lots of things whilst running. Plus a massive spider decided to attack me whilst I was brushing my teeth. Which reminds me I was walking to work, and I saw a spider flying!!! I was like what the fuck is this world coming tooo!!!!

But yeaaaah, College is soo stressful, I just dont want to go any more  the only thing I enjoy is Media, and the odd crime and deviance lesson. Its so hard finding motivation for something you just dont want to do any more  I wish I could go back to 16 year old Emma  and be like do not do A levels!! And its not even the people at college any more that I want to go for, there is like a group of us, and I love being there friends. But like I guess in ways college just reminds me to much of last year, and It doesn't help that I see everyone all the time. Crazy how things change.

Just feeeel likeeee a massive pile of mess, feel like crying, but im not going to, because its not like anything has went wrong today, at all, in fact its just been a normal day, but I dont think its a good thing to keep everything bottled. And I know I'm not any more as I have wrote this, but my blog is kinda turned into a little diary, which its strange how its easier to type than write. ahhh, I'm just talking random bullshizz. Maybe I'm just realising a few things, and its sucky. Maybe Im just moaning. I'm so confused, or emotional. I would love to know :) I think I'm just being a woman!

I hate moaning, I feel really bad, so I apologise for anyone reading this :)

I think today has just been one of those days.

SideNote: met someone random on the bus today, we ended up talking about how people should sit on windowsills of the bus, as it will create more room, for like ages, talking about different dimensions and stuff. Soo weird and crazy :') Dont even know his name haha. Hopefully Ill see him again :)

Thought 6.

Cant believe I haven't blogged in a while, when all I think about is ooo, that will be good to write about in my blog. Most of the stuff I think about though is a tad bit weird.
 

I guess in some ways I think that I am a bit to weird, like I worry that If I say things It will be stupid and people will just be like daaa fuhhh! But I cant help but think it, I worry that I will be to weird for anyone o.O 

I think I just may be alone with my few proper weird friends, and then I can create loads of Jelly and eat it all, have you ever had jelly? especially red. Nomminess :)

However I guess the point in this blog was to get my thoughts out about my next year. There is this thing that you can do, to volunteer and its to do with Human Rights in Bolivia, and you get to work with different people there, and help teach them things, its mainly helping woman from abusive relationships. And giving them hope :) I would love to do it. I would have to pay its for like 3 months to 6 and only like £1,000 which I could afford to be honest. If I saved loads over the holidays. 

I really want to do it, it will be a experience. But Its doing it alone, I wont know anyone. Plus I will be leaving home for I dont know how long. I'm scared that things will be different  well of course I know it will be. But I dont really like change that much so I dont know what to do, I'm so confused. I haven't even told anyone about this, but I want to get away from everything for a bit, and just have a break from everything, feelings and all that shizz.

I just dont knowww :) 

Whatever I do, I hope its the right choice :) 

Thought 5.

Well this has been such a crazy week!! even though its only been like 2 days into the week, as it is only tuesday o.O I have emotions, lots of them. Ive also been living in my mind, which is kinda bad in ways. I need to do more things, that take my mind off shizz. Although as I'm writing this, I feel kinda happy :)

ANYWAYS.

My buses were cancelled last night, due to the snow, Its so bad in Consett man like I reckon if I tried I could build a massive snowman with all the snow and send it off to the Antarctic so all the polar bears can finally survive or Ill just build a snowman and call it Oasis, because that's my favourite drink ever.

So yeah, I couldn't get home so I stayed at my friends house, there was a group of us. We decided to have a group tarot reading :) I love this stuff. I've had readings before, the first two that I had with my friend were kinda so bad, you could see in ways that I didn't know what I was wanting to do in life and I wasn't really happy. However I had such a good reading last night.

I cant really remember what cards I got, but I remember meanings. Present expectation I think was that I like to live care free, I do things in the now and dont really think of what can happen in the future, I focus more on wanting others to be happy, and I love smiling and laughing, and that Im a magnet for people, as when I met them they just instantly want to be in my company...(I feel so big headed typing this out, sorryyyy)
Other things I got told was that, my success and failures are in the past, they come in bunches that I always have a failure but then there will be a success. I want to travel more, and see more of the world.

There was one bit though which got me proper thinking. She said that there is something in my life that I need to give up on, as much as it will hurt, I have to sacrifice it as better things will come from it. And that even though at the time, when it ends there may be no hope it will be worth it, as what is going on now will have worse consequences.

NOW THAT, scared me a little. But Im taking this as being a human person thing, and I kinda might know who its about. But MEH.

So yeah, weirddd. I am a one for long blogs like!! I'm so sorry if this bored you a little :)

Also I know this a very stereotypical thing to say, but I really do love my friends :)

Thought 4.

Haven't posted a blog thing in a while, well its because I was busy!! Busy doing nothing, barring spending wonderful hours at work :)  However both days were enjoyable, but so tiring. Also I didn't dream last night, which is so weird for me!!! maybe I dont dream when I'm tired...who knows o.o Only me I guess, but I dont. 

Well I said the other day that I was going to write about trust, I guess this is the best opportunity to do it :) 

It so hard for me to trust people, I'm not playing the whole cry me a river game. I know most likely everyone finds it hard to trust people, that's why we just give everyone chances. And then you build up a little wall at first & if they're great then you are so happy that you can finally say you trust them. But even one little thing can ruin it, and when it does it feels like you cant trust them the same, then it sucks because you thought you could. You look back at the thing they done, and feel shit.

I think in ways this is just because in the past I've been let down, so I'm always like every time something is planned or is going to happen I always worry that its not going to happen, they will bail or it will just happen again. However now a days, I'm starting to not feel like this at all. I think its all down to having really good people in my life at the moment :) 

Why all of a sudden is my blog turning into a little diary! 

I feel so agitated tonight too o.O 

There is one thing happening in my life, which is making me all like confused and shit but I kinda dont want to not have it, if that makes any sense. All though sooon things may change. *scary cryptic shizz!!* 

Little thought 3 and a half :)

You know that feeling you get when you see someone you once had a thing for either in person or you just scroll along their social networking sites come across maybe a photo with another girl/boy which you assume is there new interest, and it kinda makes you feel like shit. Which proves that in a way you still have a feelings no matter how hard you claim you dont.

Yeaah well something similar just happened to me, HOWEVER, I didn't feel like shit. I didn't have that feeling any more, I dont know whether its because I have given up, accepted it or just stopped caring.

I have no idea, but for me its a good thing, means in a way I can move on :) *hopefully*

Or maybe I am totally lying to myself o.O

Confused/Complicated Emma times.

Thought 3.

They say when you dream its meant to mean something, like if you dream about your teeth falling out apparently its meant to mean that you have anxieties about your appearance.

BUT what does it mean if you dream about wearing a Victorian dress and dragging people out of the river because there was a man floating and chasing after you with a silver sword and all you had to defend yourself with was a washing line pole, which didn't work, then all of a sudden you had no bones, and woke up with the words 'You will grow your bones back one day' floating in your mind... yeaaaah I totally didn't dream of that last night. o.O

I usually dream about real life situations, sometimes its fun then you get the ones where you dream about things that you want to happen, then wake up incredibly gutted, those dreams suck.

Apparently you're meant to dream about what happened in your day too.

Dreams are so interesting though, I love hearing peoples dreams, and its oddly cool when people dream about you too. Like for example what inspired me to write this, was that my friend told me he dreamt was that I was standing there with my finger to my lips saying shhh over and over again.

I dont know where I was going with this blog to be honest, I guess its just a good part of my life, I even keep a dream diary and everything!!

Any ways, I should stop procrastinating, exam tomorrow - I am so bad at them, cant wait til tomorrow is over and done with :)

Thought 2.

I kinda like having this, for some odd reason I was thinking about it quite a bit today, what to write how to write, how to explain stuff, I actually got excited. Yeaaaah, I'm kinda sad sometimes :) There was two things that I couldn't get off my mind I guess, trust and friends. Two totally different topics, however can be linked, but not in the way I intend.

You know what I find crazy? the fact that you can go from being so close to someone to feel yourself drifting away, but no one stops it because they dont want to acknowledge the fact that its happening. And if you are lucky enough to find someone even if they are a friend doesn't have to be a interest, then it makes you feel good when they do in fact do everything to stop it, but it is a two way process. 

When people you become close too, start to lose out on the values that you wanted them for, you start to look for other people to take their place. I use to be close to someone last year, At the time I had fell out with my best friend, but gained a amazing one by doing this. Sometimes things like this happen so things fall together. He was there for me, and we were pretty close, one thing Ill always remember is the fact that he could just make me laugh at everything. He was like the boy version of me, but we argued so much, just like brother and sisters. There was one time, were we argued and just walked together in silence for ages, both stubborn, then just burst out laughing and it was normal again, I liked that. But then things got weird, and we just drifted apart. I see him occasionally in college, but its just like the typical 'hello' Its really sad I think, to be so close to someone and then not be. But at the same time, I think that if this hadn't of happened, then I wouldn't of went to someone else to fill up the little best friend gap. He will always be my favourite person that I have ever met inside of college though.

We all have different people in our lives, for different reasons of what we need. I think in ways you can survive alone many people have, but its sooo nice to meet different people, and when you find nice friends they bring out the best in you and you feel good.

Just remember not to always live inside your head :) 

Totally not writing about trust either :) 

Thought 1.

Hello guys, even though there is no chance that the same people that read this are the ones who read my ones before, I guess you wont ever know because I will never tell you my old name. However some could recognise my writing style, even if I have one. I think I've rambled enough, and I think this concludes my opening hello paragraph :) 

Anyways, I just thought I would start again, have little blogs through out 2013, then can look back on this like I have my other one and see how much I have changed!! My names Emma, I never told you that in my last ones, so maybe I am coming out! coming out of many things!! naaah, Im not really :) So Ive being having some really weird and crazy thoughts about everything lately, I think its just because Im so stressed out for my exams though.

One thing I dont get is the education system. I understand that we need it to learn and to pass on, and it helps children with their secondary socialisation (people who dont know what that is, google it!) . Dont get me wrong, primary school is the best thing ever, when I look back at it I always and get a happy little feeling. But its when you start growing up and realising that you need to actually learn something and things are serious. Secondary school is okay, that's where you deal most with all the bullshit off people, where I guess the socially acceptable people decide where you belong. Or you do what I done and just have your own little group of nerds. Another thing, I dont think you should worry about making friends then, like at all. College is actually where its all at. I've became more of myself there, and work, working at where I am now, introduced me to all these different people, and I dont think some of them realise the effect that they have had. However that's a different blog I think :) Education...Yeah, There is so much pressure now to have to succeed in this, that everyone has just without knowing created a system and if you dont fit or agree with the system  then you automatically feel like you're in the wrong, and you're not doing what is right. This being this, I think has created many people especially at this age to worry and most likely become sad and confused about what to do. I think If I keep going I could write for so long, different peoples views, and I understand that everyone is different. I just dont like the pressure that teachers and others put on you to succeed in education, fair enough it gives you better prospects, but if you fail, it shouldn't feel like its going to be the end of the world, so much so that if you fail that you dont even want to be in the world. 

If anyone has made it to the end of what I have read, and it makes no sense what so ever, then I am sorry, but that is what my mind is like! If it made a little sense, and you can relate, then yey! of no one could be bothered to get down to here, then you all suck ^_^

 Maybe I will write more, maybe I wont. o.O